At every wedding, I wonder how the happy couple could ever end up in divorce. The pastor speaks so eloquently about love and commitment. The handsome groom smiles and the beautiful bride is ecstatic, and because their future together looks so rosy and red and promising, everyone is so excited for them.
When the father of the bride makes a toast at the reception, he is so proud that his little girl is marrying such a good man. When the dancing begins, the mother of the groom greets her new daughter-in-law with open arms.
What a grand occasion. Surely this was a match made in heaven.
But then…sadly…it very often unravels, sometimes very, very quickly.
And it’s not pretty. The ribbons and flowers from the wedding day are soon replaced by the daggers and insults hurled in divorce court.
Peaceful love is replaced by intense hatred. The worst of all the emotions -- hurt, anger, worry and fear – emerge in discussions over even the simplest of issues, like who gets the pots and pans. As lawyer who handles divorces, I deal with the underbelly of this wicked, devastating process all day every day. And as a result of my experiences, I’ve come to believe death is easier to deal with than divorce.
So many questions come to mind as I witness as this once-happy couple attacks one another. When did the disappointment start? What signs should have been noticed even before the vows were exchanged? How does something so right ultimately turn out to be so wrong?
Better people than me will continue to wrestle with those questions. There may be a thousand different reasons why a divorce happens.
This is the Reader’s Digest version.
My overly-simplistic analysis of why they happen can be found in five short words: the Golden Rule gets broken.
Yeah, that rule, the one you know by heart. Treat your spouse the way you’d want them to treat you. Think before you speak. Be considerate before you act. Keep in mind that the person you share a bed with once dreamed of the day they would one day be married to you. It can be that simple, no matter what you’re going through.
Here are the questions all married people should ask of themselves:
1) When you talk to your spouse, what’s your tone of voice? Do you treat them as someone who’s equal to you or someone who’s inferior to you? Along that line, how would you like to be barked at? And if the answer is you wouldn’t, then why would you think your spouse would like it? Friends, this issue alone destroys marriages.
2) When your spouse disappoints you, what’s your way of handling a disagreement? Do you think everything you do is picture-perfect all the time? Or do you think you need to extend the same degree of forgiveness that you need from your spouse?
I once heard this in a sermon, and it’s so true. People go into a marriage with a picture in mind of the perfect person. They then have two choices – tear up the person and keep the picture, or tear up the picture and keep the person.
Your spouse isn’t perfect, my friend. Neither are you.
3) When your spouse tries to be the unique individual God made them to be, do you support that or do you control and manipulate them to be the person YOU need them to be? Insecurity and unwarranted jealousy are ugly, destructive emotions.
So here’s the last question. Considering all that you have invested in your marriage, and with the many implications divorce can have on your kids, your finances and your own mental health, is it worth it to take a hard look every day at your role in this union?
Happily married couples remember these questions and practice the Golden Rule all the time. There is no more beautiful picture than an aging couple sharing dinner together.
Others commit a series of minor infractions that gradually accumulate into a loveless, lifeless relationship. Still others body-slam the rule to the ground and stomp on it. No one wins a divorce. But everyone loses one.
The choice is simple. Listen to the pastor, or listen to the judge.