Let’s make it a law that every person in every kind of a relationship shall be required, at least one night every month, to put Aretha Franklin on the stereo and crank it up to 8.
The Queen of Soul has the secret to happiness between two people.
Love is not just about sharing common interests. It’s not about having the same ideas about politics or social issues. It is not even about agreeing whether “The Bachelor” has any redemptive value whatsoever, though perhaps it should.
The secret? Sing it, Sister: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
A relationship can survive many things. But if there is a perpetual lack of respect, it is doomed.
Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.
For the record, no one died and made me Cupid. I probably know less about relationships than any person on the planet, but I turn to excellent resources (the Book of Ephesians, Dr. Phil, Fonzie). I don’t know how electricity works; I just know it does. And I may not understand why respect is at the core of every good relationship; I just know it is.
I’ve spent 27 years as a lawyer, mediator and magistrate addressing every kind of conflict imaginable. Also, I occasionally participate in the flip-side and perform a wedding, as I did last Saturday evening. And then there's my wife Kim, who has shown me more respect than I probably deserve for almost 25 years.
Think about it: Wouldn’t the world be a better place if respect were the rule?
Respects listens. An upset person needs to say what is bothering them, and too many times they are interrupted. Or the subject is changed. Either way, the upset person gets the message their opinion is not worthy of respect. That hurts. A relationship that needs equality to survive is now thrown off-balance. When it gets severe, the upset person resorts to equally bold and aggressive action just to level the playing field.
Respect empathizes. It is the Golden Rule with skin on it. It says, “I know I wouldn’t like it if you did or said certain things to me, so I won’t say or do those same things to you." After all, when someone feels neglected or belittled, there are only two practical responses: 1) tell them they’re stupid for feeling that way, which makes everything worse, or 2) use proper words and behavior and invite them not to feel that way any more.
Lastly, but most importantly, respect uses the proper tone of voice. The worst words in the English language are, “Do you know what your problem is?” When we have a finger pointed in our direction, our natural reaction is to fire a finger right back – and not the index finger, either. Respect finds the right words and proper tone of voice. It expresses feelings but not judgment. It invites cooperation. It shows love.
Real love is a cycle of respect, with each person constantly giving of themselves to one another.
Success in a relationship does not solely depending on FINDING the right mate. Instead, it depends largely on BEING the right mate. Respect is at the heart of all of it.
“Honey, help me understand something…”
“Honey, I feel invisible when my opinions are not considered…”
“Honey, I’m sorry you feel that way. Here’s what I am going to do from now on…”
Sure, those can be hard words to say. But aren't they worth it?
There is no better sight than to see an older couple sitting close to one another laughing. That doesn’t happen because they magically avoided all of life’s problems through the years. Rather, they have embraced one tough challenge after another, respectfully, with a goal of walking through life together.
I don't know who wrote a piece entitled "The Marriage Box," but whoever did says it beautifully:
"Most people get married believing a myth; that marriage is a beautiful box
full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, romance, sexual
fulfillment, intimacy, friendship, laughter, financial security.
full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, romance, sexual
fulfillment, intimacy, friendship, laughter, financial security.
"The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put some things into it before you can take anything out of it.
"There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into their marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to put it into their relationship.
"A couple must discern what things work to improve their relationship and form
the habits of communicating, giving, sacrificing, sharing, loving, touching,
serving, and praising. In other words, keeping the box full."
the habits of communicating, giving, sacrificing, sharing, loving, touching,
serving, and praising. In other words, keeping the box full."
Think that’s what Aretha sings about?
Yeah, just a little bit.