When I was Me...

In a quiet moment after she finally had finally gotten her father to bed, at the end of yet another day of making him take medication, explaining why he cannot drive the car, and listening over and over again to the same stories that happened more than sixty years ago, she thumbed through some books on the night stand beside her. Funny, but she had never noticed them before.

One was the biography of President George H.W. Bush, a man her father admired. Another was Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends And Influence People,” a collection of principles her father had lived his entire life.

The third was weathered and torn notebook that looked more like an old tablet. It was a journal that had entries as far back as his college days. Though she desperately needed to retire to her bedroom and get rested for another long day, one particular essay near the back captured her attention. It was entitled, “When I Was Me.”

He wrote:

“Did I ever tell you about the day you were born? You were not expected for a few more days, so I scheduled a meeting in Chicago with all of the company’s top advisors. Trouble was brewing overseas and they were all counting on me to get us through it. They needed strong leadership. I was that kind of a leader.

“Just as I had started the meeting, I was handed a note that your mother had gone into labor. The room was full and anticipation was high. But I walked away. I chose you and your mother over all of them. I knew there would be other meetings. But there would never be another you.

“For forty-two years I directed our company, leading it from a small operation on the outskirts of town into something that affected countries all over the world. That wouldn’t have happened unless I was bold, strong, decisive and responsible. That’s the kind of man I was. When I was me.”

…

“DO YOU KNOW HOW PROUD you have always made me? When you were a little girl, I’d take you to the grocery or for a walk in the park, and you held my hand everywhere we went. I felt like a champion. I was so happy God picked me to be your dad.

“Many years later, I sat next to your mom on the day you graduated from college. There you were, my baby girl, all grown up and getting a degree. I know there were other parents there that day, and I’m sure they were happy and proud, but I couldn’t imagine how any of them were as proud of their child as I was of you.

“You have continued to amaze me. Though you achieved many things, I am mainly proud of the woman you have become. You are so smart and so independent. Like your mother, you are beautiful inside and out.

“In the first twenty-five years of my life, I was a starter on an undefeated football team, and an all-league second baseman on my high school baseball team. I won a couple of city golf championships in my years after college, and had instant success in the business world. But my greatest success -- far beyond any of that -- was becoming your dad.

“It’s all I ever needed. It’s all I ever talked about. When I was me.”
...

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT MOMENTS with you I have always enjoyed the most? People might call them ordinary moments, but I regard them as the most spectacular of them all. Like when you sat with me watching the Reds’ games even though I knew you didn’t love baseball. Like when we talked on the telephone as I drove home from work, and the sound of your voice just brightened my day. 

“When your mother was ill, I was so impressed with the way you took care of her, even in the little things like caressing her hands and brushing her hair. She was a beautiful woman who did not deserve to leave us so soon. But in those final days I often sat back and watched you, and I was reassured that God was going to protect her. After all, he’d already given her an angel. You were that angel.

“Always look for the small, but extraordinary, special moments, because they are everywhere. I have loved all of our years together, but especially those "little" moments. They were my best times. When I was me.

...

“IT PAINS ME TO realize there will come a day when I may be more of a burden to you than a blessing. I would understand if you elected to simply put me in a nursing home and let others do all of these things in my final months and days. I’m fine, please know that. I will be with your mother soon. So please do not worry about me.

“But I know your heart, and I know will comfort me. Through it all, even if I never say it, please know that I love you.

“Remember me as your rock, as the man who could anything, and as someone who could move mountains. Think of me as the one who thought of you, cared for you, and worried about you — every minute of every day.

"Promise me...

“Remember those days from years ago.

“When things were different.

“When I was me.”

...

AS THE CLOCK STRUCK midnight, she sat alone in her thoughts. She closed the journal, and sat it neatly atop the other books beside her. Though there was never a doubt, she was more convinced than ever that she would serve this wonderful man for as long as she had breath.

"You are still you, Daddy. And I love you as much now as I ever did."

She sat back in the recliner and turned on the small radio next to the bed. The Reds were in L.A. playing the Dodgers. She smiled as Marty Brennaman called the action.

There was no sweeter sound in the world.